strumming my pain with his fingers.

Kai was over it. The worst year of his life had come and gone years ago. Whatever feelings and memories he had back then felt foreign to him now. The Kai from the past was like an entirely different person. The shift was subtle to those who didn’t know him well but one person—the one who mattered the most and the source of all his angst up to that point—recognized the change easily.

“I know you better than I know myself,” that person had laughed, all those years ago. His eyes crinkled and his entire face transformed into a smile that used to pierce through Kai’s heart. Now the smile was no longer piercing but a gentle familiar touch. Now, Kai’s heart could rest. “You really can’t hide anything from me, can you?”

“Only because I’m a bad liar,” Kai laughed in return. Every laugh with Taemin at that moment felt like he was expelling a lifetime’s worth of tension from his body. He never thought he would be able to laugh like this with Taemin ever again. The pain of Taemin’s rejection seemed insurmountable but Kai’s soul searching paid off. He escaped from the entire ordeal with himself and his relationship with Taemin intact.

Taemin’s smile grew wider. His dark hair fell into his eyes. “Wasn’t it I who had to tell you that?”

The pair continued to chuckle.

That was the first memory where Kai finally felt at home with himself. He looked back on it fondly. That was also the day when Kai was content with the fact that his soul mate would never return his feelings, the feelings that Kai had worked so hard to untangle and kill.

These days, Kai instead sets his sights onto his own ambitions. For so long, he tried to play catch up with Taemin, using Taemin’s accomplishments as a bar that he needed to jump over. It was not so much about Kai’s own ego but a futile attempt to capture Taemin’s affection. Everything back then revolved around Taemin and just thinking about it now made Kai feel suffocated.

Kai grumbled and rolled over to his side, the bed creaking. The past was so easy to dive back into. It often came to him at night, when his mind wouldn’t go to sleep and needed something to anchor onto.

In the dark, his phone beeped and lit up on his bedside table, casting a white glow throughout the room. Kai reached out for it automatically. He knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep at this rate.

Are you awake?

It was from Taemin. Speak of the devil and the devil finds you. Kai looked at the clock. 2:07 AM. He had a gut feeling that Taemin was just coming home from the recording studio. Taemin’s well known work ethic was in full force. It was if he was releasing content like his life depended on it. Maybe it did. Taemin’s military enlistment date was drawing nearer and nearer. He often confessed to Kai that he feared it would be the end of his career. Two years was a long time to stay stagnant, especially as a dancer. Kai tried his best to reassure him but all Taemin could do was silently nod with his trademark forced smile.

Knowing the importance of every second, Kai quickly sent a message back.

Yes.

Taemin’s reply was also speedy. I knew it, hehehe. ;)

Another text arrived right after it. Can I call?

They hadn’t called each other in a while. Due to the nature of Taemin’s urgent desire to somehow put off the military, there was no time for it. Kai did understand but it still hurt all the same. When it came down to it, Taemin’s career was first and foremost.

Sure.

Almost instantly, Kai’s phone began to vibrate. He swiped to accept the call and put it to his ear.

“Jongin,” Taemin’s voice rang out in a sing-song voice. Hearing Taemin’s relaxed voice speak Kai’s name made him feel at ease. It was Taemin's tendency to mask his true feelings behind a smile but here, Kai could feel his emotions clearly; a mix of excitement and fondness.

“Taemin,” Kai replied, echoing Taemin’s musical tone. Unlike Taemin’s bright voice, Kai’s was gravelly and thirsty for sleep. He sat up a little, resting his back against the headboard.

“I need your permission for something,” Taemin cut to the chase. His voice was suddenly flat in a way that Kai rarely heard.

“Yeah?” Kai shifted in his bed. He heard the hum of the company car in the background and wondered if Taemin’s manager was listening silently to them as he drove the superstar to his home.

“I’m going to play a song that I just recorded. I want your permission to release it. I want it to be the title song.”

Kai was speechless, his mind searching for the reason behind the request. He didn’t expect this. What kind of song did Taemin make that would need his blessing? And a title song at that?

Taemin took Kai’s silence as a go ahead and a song began to fill Kai’s empty room. The song was not polished yet. Kai could tell by Taemin’s bare honeysweet vocals and the thin layer of instrumentation. Still, Kai listened intently, trying to analyse every detail as they flew by him. He was ready to calculate the musicality of the song, envisioning how the renowned dancer would move his body to the music.

However, the words flowing hypnotically from Taemin’s voice had caught Kai off guard.

Under beautiful silhouettes, sweet voices, you make me crazy.

Kai quietly listened to the lyrics, each syllable resounding through his body, bouncing off every fibre of his being until they finally settled into the chambers of his heart. The sensation made Kai want to heave and he grasped at his sheets, anything to keep him from floating out of his body.

This thrill inside me. You are my messiah.

Kai closed his eyes in an attempt to keep his head from spinning. Even that had a negative affect on him as now he could clearly hear Taemin singing to him and only him. He could hear his own dangerous longing reflected in Taemin’s voice.

He had no idea what to make of the song. It stirred up emotions that he thought were dead. Were they truly dead or were they just dormant? The rising feeling in his stomach seemed to answer that question.

On the night I cut you out from my heart, finally, I opened my eyes.

The song ended abruptly. Kai quickly muted himself on the phone as he turned his head and gasped for air, one hand clutched to his chest. All those feelings that he thought were long gone had hit him like a wave. The intensity was unbearable but also strangely enticing from the familiarity of it.

He took in deep breaths, desperate to steady himself. He needed to say something to Taemin but what?

“I’m sorry,” Taemin’s voice cut through the silence. “I would have shown you this in person but I don’t know when I’ll get to see you next.”

Kai nodded instinctively. His eyes were still closed and he pressed a palm to his forehead, trying to sort out his thoughts.

“You’ll be the death of me Lee Taemin,” Kai finally managed to say after unmuting his phone, stumbling upon his words.

“Really?” the voice on the other end of the line mused. “Was the song accurate?”

“Accurate?” a strained laugh bubbled up from Kai’s mouth. Taemin was just toying with him at this point. “It was like... You were reaching into my brain and pulling out thoughts I never knew I had.”

“You can thank the lyricist for that. I just put the concept into her head,” Taemin sighed. “She did a good job though, didn’t she?”

“Is she a professional mind reader? Hope you’re paying her well.”

They were doing their usual friendly banter but Kai’s heart wasn’t into it. His mouth was on autopilot while his body was still trying to bring himself back to earth.

“Why though?” Kai blurted out, a little more forcefully than he would have liked. “A song like this...?”

“It’s not all about you,” Taemin teased but he quickly reverted back to his uncharacteristically serious voice. “It really isn’t. I did use some of your feelings but that’s not what the song is really about.”

As soon as the words left Taemin’s mouth, shame washed over Kai. In hindsight, that much was obvious, but Kai was too knocked off his feet to notice. Taemin’s struggle with his ego, the object of Kai’s passion, was suddenly apparent.

“We went through the same thing, Jongin. I understand.” the other man continued gently.

Tears started to form. It was always like this, wasn’t it? Kai thought to himself. They mirrored each other on so many levels but in different ways. Taemin was his soul mate, through and through. Kai’s had his battle with his unrequited love for Taemin while Taemin battled to reconcile the two conflicting sides within himself.

“We both came out alright, didn’t we?” Taemin asked.

Kai sniffed and dabbed at his eyes with his fingers. A smile came upon his face despite the tears. “Yes, we did.”

Author’s Notes:

Fan fic? Check.

K-pop idols? Check.

Male/male pairing? Check.

Song lyrics in the title? Check.

Song lyrics in the story? Check, check, and check.

Yep, I’d say this is self indulgent. Or maybe just cringey.

I’m sorry I know this is probably lacking a lot of context for people. I’ll just chalk it up to not being the intended audience? Even though you’re technically my audience? Self indulgent to the point of no comprehension. Will most likely post this on AO3. 🤪

Song in question: TAEMIN 태민 '이데아 (IDEA:理想)' MV